In The Know

Gossip is a huge weakness in this day and age, especially among women. I've been reflecting on this quite a bit recently, especially after encountering an old girlfriend of mine who was interested in my life updates. I had gone through a messy breakup and started seeing someone knew, and naturally as my friend she wanted to be filled in. I briefly went over the events that had transpired just so she could get the gist of it, and then I moved on to the fun part: how happy I am with my life now.

However, I noticed that my friend kept steering the conversation back to the breakup: "Who said what?" "And then what happened?" "How did they react?" "So what did you do?" ...I was ready and willing to let the conversation move forward, as what she saw as "juicy details" are unnecessary, especially given that she has nothing to do with the situation and I did not have permission from the persons involved to share details, and frankly it was none of her concern aside from her relationship with me. The thought occurred to me though: if her concern was for me and my goodness and happiness, where was the need for the dramatic backstory coming from?

Maybe it is that innate message "knowledge is power," and the "if you know how to use information you can do anything" kind of mentality that drives it, but there is something in us that wants to be in the know, the first person to deliver the news. We love having people come to us for information, for "juicy details," for interesting tidbits of gossip about our dear friend Jill, Lisa from down the hall, Marcus who dated our friend, Kailey from high school, or Ben who knows a friend through another friend but we've never actually talked to each other, or Taylor's sister's bridesmaid (the one with the blonde hair), or Theresa's coworker's sister's son and his girlfriend.... you wouldn't believe what they did!

My hypothesis? We want to feel needed. If we have a piece of information that no one else knows, our presence holds value. You can see it in action movies: someone won't tell a secret, won't write down a password or secret location of a captive, so the person(s) trying to get the information out of the secret-keeper are forced to keep them alive, in order to eventually attain said valued piece of information. Makes sense enough.

I've heard people complain about those who gossip, saying that people who gossip are insecure, and I think there might be some truth to that thought. We do all have insecurities and wounds in one way or another that manifest themselves differently in each person, in each circumstance, etc. But everyone has a need to be affirmed in his or her existence, to know that they are needed. On some level, we need to know that we are needed. Accordingly, it makes sense that we have a tendency to keep little stories and bits of information to ourselves, only hinting at hit to play up the value. If someone wants the information badly enough, they'll keep us around.

I think the next question to ask here is, how can we still be affirmed in our friendships and our worth without slipping into hurtful or sinful habits or adopting a tabloid mentality? One word: LOVE.

Yes, I know, I bring just about everything back to love, but it is the crux of our existence, our reason for living, our purpose in the creation story, what each and every man and woman seeks to no end, what no person lives a full and happy life without... so I'd say it's worth repeating.

I think the most practical first step is asking ourselves before we share a story or tidbit about whoever a few important questions:

1. Is this necessary to share?
2. Does it help or hurt the person(s) about whom I am speaking?
3. Does my involvement warrant me sharing this information?
4. What is my motivation for sharing?
5. If the person I am talking about was here next to me, would I still share?

Another important thing to consider, or I guess just another step towards bettering ourselves: surround yourself with people who want the best for you, genuinely. You want friends who still want to be around you when you don't have a secret story to disclose, or that you don't have to bait with hints of details about any certain scandalous affair. Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference, but once the stories are filtered, it becomes much easier to see who loves you for you and who just wants to be in the know.