The Industrial Age

"What are your plans for after college?"

"What are you doing with your degree?"

"What line of work are you in?"

"Do you have a job lined up?"

"Oh, that's nice. How are you liking that job?"

"Yeah, I know, this economy right?"

"Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"

"What are you doing with your life?"

"Well, you seem like you've got it all figured out."

Guess what guys... you don't have to have it all figured out. Not when you're 15, not when you're 25, not even when you're 45 or 75. Point is, you're here.

We live in somewhat of an industrial age. We wake up, we go to work, we bring home bacon, we win bread, we veg on the furniture, and we count down to the weekend. We put our money in savings so we can spend it on a mid life crisis when we wonder "Where has the time gone?" I am by no means insulting the family of five, one or two dogs and a white picket fence kind of culture, not at all. I love it. But do you want it?

I just watched the most charming movie about a 30 something woman struggling to get it all figured out. She's job hunting to no end, painfully smiling while her well-meaning family members shove what they want for her down her throat, but having no "better" alternative, she goes along with it, having little ammunition for protest. The film revolved around the theme of feeling powerless while everyone around seems to work like a cog in a well-oiled machine. I'm a sucker for great cinematography, so naturally I loved that there weren't really any bright colors in the whole movie. There is a looming dark cloud, a feeling of loneliness, complacency, boredom, and dullness. The leading lady stares longingly out a window, wishing she knew what the flip she was supposed to be doing with her life.

I get that. I understand that feeling. Having job hunted for months at a time and seeming to come up empty, having your plans you thought would stick for the next few years (at least!) fall apart in front of you, bouncing from temp job to temp job, moving back in with the 'rents until you can get your act together and answer the question "what's next?" is a more common feeling than people let on.

Don't believe Facebook photos: most of those people probably don't have it together either. It's the ultimate censorship: you can make yourself look however you want, as put together as you want, and show off how much of a life you're having. For those of you who are happy where you are...rock on. This post is not for you. Enjoy Europe.

My dearest readers, your value is not measured by your level of productivity. You are more than your paycheck, what kind of car you drive, what model of phone you have, or the brand of your clothes. It is easy to get discouraged when we feel like we are pressured from all sides to get that promotion, work our way up to the top, marry once you've given everything a "test drive" just to be sure (gross), and by no means settle for "just" a blue collar job. Seriously, you can do whatever you want (within reason, of course. I hate it when people say that and they brainwash people and tell you you really CAN become anything....false. Someone I know wanted to be a computer when he grew up....he is not a computer. But he still likes them a lot).

If you want to try something you've always wanted to try and then crash and burn, I'd say good for you! You went out and did it and now you know it's not your thing. No idea where to start? What do you do for fun? What's something you've loved since you were a kid? Try it again! At the very least (if you're stuck in the job/field you're in for whatever reason), pick it up as a hobby. Eventually, you'll hit the nail on the head... or at least get somewhere by process of elimination. I'm one of those people though that doesn't WANT to bounce around every couple of years (give or take) constantly guessing where I'm going to be, not feeling like I can rest my head and get restful sleep at night. And that's fine! Just set a plan right now. 

Right now, I am working an office job with people I thoroughly enjoy, paying my bills, and learning important skills that are going to prepare and equip me for... well, who knows what? I don't need to know. This is my plan right now. I'm going to stick to the plan until something sweeps me off my feet; one of those things that is undeniably what you are supposed to do. I don't need  to know what the next 5, 10, or 15 years looks like and frankly, I couldn't care less about my high school reunion. I want to be happy. I want to be fulfilled. I want to savor every minute of even the mundane. I am blessed to be kept alive, to be held so gently in the Lord's powerful hand, and I at least owe Him to appreciate what I've got. I want to live fully. I want to be free from the countdown to the weekend, free from pressure to "make something of myself," and free to be me.

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you shall eat or what you shall drink, nor about your body, what you shall put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add one cubit to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they neither toil nor spin; yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O men of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek all these things; and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things shall be yours as well."                               Matthew 6:25-33

You're comparing us to THEM?! (Love like the movies)

As promised, I am answering questions you're asking. Gabe asked a super good one: "If what girls really need is a strong dependable man, why do some girls love chick flicks where the guy and the girl get in these big heated fights. Do they long for that??" Great question! So great, in fact, that I wanted to take my time in answering it. So here you go!

There are a few reasons girls love the big fight scenes in chick flicks. NOTE: none of those reasons is because she wants to be miserable, fight all of the time, or be with a guy who picks fights with her or is just plain bad news (and here's my two cents on THAT). These reasons are not listed in any particular order.

1. We love the drama. Movies/musicals/plays/dramas/etc excite the psyche. They are entertaining, and that is precisely why they call it the entertainment industry. It is a story, with a building tension, leading to a climactic fight. If the writers did their job right, the viewer has gotten to know the characters, and if out of curiosity than nothing else, we want to know what happens! And as much as they might hate to admit it, I'm willing to bet that at high percentage of guys at least are a little curious how movies like that end.

2. We can relate. Well, to some extent, depending on the person being entertained and the story that is being told. Often times great stories mirror situations that on some level are real, and the conflicts are situations real people experience or fear.

3. We see characters they love (and in romcoms, characters they love together) argue about something that threatens to tear them apart. In the movies (at least of this nature), the couple works it out and still lives happily ever after, even though there might be lingering issues, a little collateral damage, or repercussions of their irrational emotional actions/mistakes. They are things the couple will have to work on. Overall, they give us HOPE that we can work things out on our own lives, that some mountains are not too big, and that obstacles aren't always the end.

We want to be happy and we enjoy seeing others happy, even if on some deep/subconscious/shallow level, we are living vicariously through them. There is a danger there that these movies can romanticize conflict and can have a subtle influence over real-life experiences, but we must not lose our own sense of reality in real-life conflicts. Instead, we keep in mind common threads that make real life relationships/friendships work and last, and hopefully in the heat of those moments, we can understand the difference between love in the movies and love that is real, raw, and rewarding.

Beneath Your Beautiful

Ladies and gents, I want to apologize for my recent hiatus. I've been experiencing some big changes professionally and personally and I am just now getting back into a rhythm. Hopefully these insights can help you to forgive me :)

My brother has been a huge inspiration to my taste in music. He finds random songs I would like that seem to fit a variety of occasions, themes, moods, etc. He has a pretty good idea of my taste, and when he passes me a song I usually end up exploring similar songs and artists and give my music library a fresh feel. Recently he showed me this song, and in an effort to hear it again I just looked it up on Youtube. I found the video moving... and of course it got me thinking about my favorite theme throughout this blog: love and vulnerability.

The rest of this post will make a lot more sense if you listen to the chorus at the very least.

The song made me think of an article I read recently about marriage, found here (seriously, read it. I might repost it later for all of you lazy people who just don't want to click on another link or read a lot more words). The connection I saw was that love is about more than happily ever after. Love is real, love is honest, love is blunt, love is raw. At its deepest, it is two persons encountering each other in entirety, including scars & fresh wounds, emotions, fears, shortcomings, bad habits, and obstacles that seem like they'll never be overcome.

But what is love when it is not real? When it does not reach the core? It has no connection, no bond, it is not built on sacrifice for the sake of the other, it is driven by passion and emotion, it is photoshopped as it masks imperfections for the sake of pride, selfishness, and the fear of being alone.

NOTE: Yes, that does sound a little extreme, and yes, there are exceptions, as John Paul II, C.S. Lewis, Socrates, Kierkegaard, and many other philosophers and theologians have so beautifully articulated. The love that I am referring to in this post is most simply put as love in relationship. I am using the context of dating/marriage, but it also very much applies to deep friendships.

The point that I am trying to make here is not a new one:

"Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails." 1 Corinthians 13:7-8

Loving with this intensity does reap rewards. When people love selflessly, they "get back" love 10 fold... the satisfaction of giving. It's one of the wonderful things that help motivate us to service, both in our personal relationships and in our communities. And it has a contagious, pay-it-forward effect. As wonderfully put in the example from the blog I linked above (read it), when people feel genuinely appreciated, they are more apt to honestly appreciate and encourage you to be the best-version-of-yourself. It is beautiful, awe-inspiring, and almost majestically mysterious.

Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to sugarcoat anything. I want to challenge you, my dear friends, to love vulnerably, to let yourself get to a point where you can feel pain. In the above Scripture passage, St. Paul goes on to say:

"When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became a man, I gave up childish ways." 1 Corinthians 13:11

This love takes maturity. It means no games, no hanging up on someone just to draw out the drama, no gossip, no snapping back as a reaction, especially when you both know you're in the wrong. No beating around the bush, no pushing someone away for the sake of saving yourself the risk of heartache when they have every intention of showing you genuine appreciation. Give up childish ways. We can still dream of happily ever after, but iconic fairy tale stories end with a lavish wedding and riding off into the sunset.

Newsflash: your life together doesn't begin when you hit the horizon or come back home from the honeymoon. Your life with the ones you hold near and dear began the day you started being real with them, and them with you. Sure, there might be sunshine and lollipops and rainbows and gummy bears in your future, but don't miss one minute of loving someone wholly today because you don't know what tomorrow will be. Get dressed up for dates and don't be afraid of fake-it-til-you-make-it confidence if need me, but in order to live fully, we absolutely must let others see beneath the beautiful at least once in a while.


*This blog was intended for single women forging their way through their young adult years trying to figure out what the what is going on with their lives, and ladies, I am thinking of you as well as I write this, not just those in relationships. Walls keep us from love in all aspects of our lives, including loving God, our families, our friends, potential suitors, and ourselves. Don't hold back. You've got this. :)

Beauty comes from within

SOOOO... because I totally overcommit myself and never get around to anything I actually WANT to do until much later, I finally spent some time reading a blog of a friend of mine... and one entry was particularly awesome. Gabe... my bad for taking so long.

However, the timing worked out stupendously! I read this great post about beauty (and princesses!!) right after I posted mine, and it is the perfect post to follow mine. Especially knowing it was written by a man, it is super duper hopeful and affirming. If y'all get the chance, check out Beauty Speaks in Stories.

Here's a teaser for the article I'm talking about... click for more!

Beauty Speaks in Stories: Fairy Stories: Tale As Old As Time (Part 1 of 2): Part 1: Belle. "Beautiful."  She represents what every woman already is: beautiful.  Most women don't believe this.  Hiding behind masks, t...

...this kinda goes with the theme too. Not really, but kinda. Enough. :)

Maybe It's Me

I have a confession for all of you: I love Taylor Swift's songs. People remind me all of the time that she writes about high school drama, makes something out of nothing, and is always whining about a messy breakup or empowering herself after dumping Joe Shmo for the last time. Whatever... they're catchy! I admire that she uses her music to express herself, writing her own stuff, and sings about real things. And she's managed to stay a pretty good influence, despite the crazy showbiz whirlwind her life must be. Good for her.

As much as I enjoy her catchy tunes, this someecard got me thinking:

I understand that great music, poetry, prose, art, etc comes from heartbreak in one way or another. So yes, many of her songs that relate to listeners are ones that her fans can identify with, who seem to not only enjoy the song hooks like I do, but also have experienced some drama that at least kind of fits the lyrics. Not the point.

Maybe the makers of the meme have a point (not necessarily for Taylor specifically, but you know). If someone gets stuck in the victim mentality, some serious relationship issues can arise: both in the present and developing into bigger problems in the future. Where is the line between looking at what isn't working that the desiree is/isn't doing and identifying where you might need to make some changes?

It is good to have expectations in relationships, potential relationships, plutonic friendships, and so on and so forth. Both parties should at least have a pretty good idea of what he/she is getting into and how the two plan to function together. Expectations keep us goal oriented, focused on the good stuff, and keep us from losing our heads. However, too many expectations can make things a little bit dicey.

We grow up dreaming of someone who will love us for all that we are, including everything: strengths, weaknesses, successes, faults, annoying habits, passions, hopes, dreams, and all of that great stuff. It's a wonderful ideal that is totally fine to aspire to. The important necessary flip side that should accompany that is recognizing that the beloved will too have weaknesses, faults, and annoying habits... along with the fun parts. We have (fair and balanced!) expectations for them that should be there, but they also have expectations for us.

Here's the tough part: that means we have to keep looking at ourselves and identify where we can do better, where we can grow, and what we might need to change. 

*GASP!!* "How dare?! Why would I ever have to change! I am me and that is more than enough and any man should be lucky to be with me!!!!" you might say. Disclaimer: I don't mean become a different person, pretend you are someone you're not, or put up a front of perfection until you rope a man into loving you no matter what and then open up the real can of crazy.

I mean, we should constantly be challenging ourselves to be growing in virtue... all the time. We'll always mess up (some of us less than others), but an attempt should be made to see ourselves as others see us so they can help us identify ways we could be growing or things we could be working on that we might not see. If ex-boyfriend (and w-boyfriend, and v-boyfriend, and u-boyfriend, and t-boyfriend...) all break up with you because you constantly talk about how you are jealous of other girls or telling stories of ex-boyfriends past or you chew the ice in your glass when you eat out until the ice starts to melt and excess water drips out of your mouth... these are things that are helpful to know so we can fix the little things (or in some cases big things) and be that much closer to forming happy, healthy, and lasting relationships.

Another thing to keep in mind on this foreboding part of the path to self-discovery: sometimes the critiques of exes aren't accurate or they're just incredibly biased/tainted. Take them with a grain bucket of salt. And never, ever get nitpicky. You are a wonderful human being, and don't ever lose sight of how much you are loved, the fact that you are a gift, you are unique, you are irreplaceable, and you have infinite value! This is all about becoming more you--the best you! Becoming the best version of yourself isn't always fun, but it is always rewarding. Virtuous people are happy people, and according to our classy girl Audrey Hepburn, "happy girls are the prettiest."

Encourage your sense of daring.

 I wrote and posted this article on my blog, "Cataloging the Search for True Feminism" a while back (so the family reference is a tad outdated), but the title phrase came to mind once again when I came across this G.K. Chesterton quote:

Wise words. That man cracks me up sometimes.

I love adventures, taking risks, adrenaline rushes... oh, the thrill of it all. The following musings are not particularly related to single-ness per se, but they apply to love and life, so naturally they get me excited.

So, in an effort to maintain some consistency and at the same time share things that I think are worth sharing, I have reposted my own post for your reading pleasure and convenience. And this time I added pictures. Enjoy!

This title also came from a Dove chocolate wrapper.



My dear friends, what drives you? What makes you get out of bed in the morning? What is it that keeps you moving throughout the day? What keeps you looking forward to the next big thing? What is it at the end of the day that gave you the strength to make it back to bed again after it is all said and done? When you want to quit, when you are tired, when you are sore, what do you think of that gives you the drive to push through that last leg?

I recently witnessed a scene on a TV show in which a “medium” told a woman that her marriage would not last and that her husband would never be able to fulfill her emotionally. The face of the wife broke my heart. Here is a woman who loves her husband, but the thought was presented to her that he would never totally make her happy, never fill every void in her heart—and she could not respond to it. I saw this scene and I thought, of course not! When we mourn the loss of loved ones, we find peace in the thought that they are in a place of never-ending, unceasing joy. Why? Because we know, somewhere inside of each of us, there is a yearning for something, for someone, which will never be satisfied on this side of heaven.

Is this disheartening? Absolutely not! If anything, it is a hint that there is something more, that there is a greater joy that awaits us on the other side. This anticipation should drive us to wake up each morning and to make it through the day, with each choice and each act and each word bring us one step closer to eternal bliss!

My sister is a new mother. Her small family is incredibly beautiful and a tremendous source of joy for all of us around them. I keep a constant countdown of the next time I get to see them and hold my little niece again. As cute as she is, she sure can make a lot of noise—and sometimes she makes a lot of noise in the middle of the night. In spending time at my sister’s house, I had the privilege of witnessing something extraordinarily beautiful: the sacrificial love of a mother. I have seen this before, but these particular circumstances struck chords in my heart. Even when she’s sick, tired, sore, or just needing a break, my sister continues to feed the baby, cradle her, play with her, change her, and love her. This tiny person depends on her totally. Even if my sister didn’t particularly feel like it, she keeps going because she loves her baby. It is love that motivates a heart. Mothers who wake in the middle of the night to feed their crying babies choose love. Fathers forced to work extended hours to put food on the table choose love. Teachers writing their lesson plans and grading papers so their students have the chance to succeed choose love. Nurses, ministers, firemen, soldiers, and volunteers choose love. The list goes on and on and is by no means limited to any walk of life.

When we think of what keeps us going, hopefully we think first of the ones we love, but we must also remember the ones who love us. My family works hard to give me the best that they can, I take care not to disappoint them. We have people counting on us who constantly choose love for our sakes. Even when we cannot see it, they have hearts that also beat with love for us.

Women have hearts that want to know love. There is a part of us, on the most fundamental level, that yearns to experience a burning love for who we are just because we are. There is a deep joy and peace in knowing there is a heart that longs to love at all times, despite faults, failures, and shortcomings. Unfortunately, many women’s ability to receive that love is hindered by wounds that cut to the core. Shattered homes, absent parents, abusive family members, deaths of loved ones, and hearts broken by lovers leave behind scars that affect us for the rest of our lives. It would be easy to build a shining barrier of our own, a kind of wall around our hearts, that guard from any chance of pain. But my dear readers, I am posing this question to you: is that any way to live? To sacrifice an unsurpassing joy for a life of inner solitude? Where is the risk? Love is always a risk! It involves going out on a limb for the sake of another, and purely for the sake of that loved one. It includes choosing the best for the other even when it hurts. What is it—or should I say, who is it—that gets you out of bed in the morning? Do you know the one whose heart beats and burns for you? This love overcomes the weight of fears that we can’t see and eclipses afflictions with glory. This love is jealous for you. This love is trustworthy, constant, and unconditional. It is hard. It is risky. But my friends, I urge you to encourage your sense of daring and break the walls of the shining barrier. Need proof? Look at the created world. And I’m not talking about what we made. Dare to love completely.

An affirmation for you!

A presentation on dating:

Some of my dear friends from Franciscan University of Steubenville, my alma mater, put together this presentation on dating for the Homecoming 2012 talent show this past month. Just in case you needed a smile, this sure did the trick for me. Enjoy!

In The Know

Gossip is a huge weakness in this day and age, especially among women. I've been reflecting on this quite a bit recently, especially after encountering an old girlfriend of mine who was interested in my life updates. I had gone through a messy breakup and started seeing someone knew, and naturally as my friend she wanted to be filled in. I briefly went over the events that had transpired just so she could get the gist of it, and then I moved on to the fun part: how happy I am with my life now.

However, I noticed that my friend kept steering the conversation back to the breakup: "Who said what?" "And then what happened?" "How did they react?" "So what did you do?" ...I was ready and willing to let the conversation move forward, as what she saw as "juicy details" are unnecessary, especially given that she has nothing to do with the situation and I did not have permission from the persons involved to share details, and frankly it was none of her concern aside from her relationship with me. The thought occurred to me though: if her concern was for me and my goodness and happiness, where was the need for the dramatic backstory coming from?

Maybe it is that innate message "knowledge is power," and the "if you know how to use information you can do anything" kind of mentality that drives it, but there is something in us that wants to be in the know, the first person to deliver the news. We love having people come to us for information, for "juicy details," for interesting tidbits of gossip about our dear friend Jill, Lisa from down the hall, Marcus who dated our friend, Kailey from high school, or Ben who knows a friend through another friend but we've never actually talked to each other, or Taylor's sister's bridesmaid (the one with the blonde hair), or Theresa's coworker's sister's son and his girlfriend.... you wouldn't believe what they did!

My hypothesis? We want to feel needed. If we have a piece of information that no one else knows, our presence holds value. You can see it in action movies: someone won't tell a secret, won't write down a password or secret location of a captive, so the person(s) trying to get the information out of the secret-keeper are forced to keep them alive, in order to eventually attain said valued piece of information. Makes sense enough.

I've heard people complain about those who gossip, saying that people who gossip are insecure, and I think there might be some truth to that thought. We do all have insecurities and wounds in one way or another that manifest themselves differently in each person, in each circumstance, etc. But everyone has a need to be affirmed in his or her existence, to know that they are needed. On some level, we need to know that we are needed. Accordingly, it makes sense that we have a tendency to keep little stories and bits of information to ourselves, only hinting at hit to play up the value. If someone wants the information badly enough, they'll keep us around.

I think the next question to ask here is, how can we still be affirmed in our friendships and our worth without slipping into hurtful or sinful habits or adopting a tabloid mentality? One word: LOVE.

Yes, I know, I bring just about everything back to love, but it is the crux of our existence, our reason for living, our purpose in the creation story, what each and every man and woman seeks to no end, what no person lives a full and happy life without... so I'd say it's worth repeating.

I think the most practical first step is asking ourselves before we share a story or tidbit about whoever a few important questions:

1. Is this necessary to share?
2. Does it help or hurt the person(s) about whom I am speaking?
3. Does my involvement warrant me sharing this information?
4. What is my motivation for sharing?
5. If the person I am talking about was here next to me, would I still share?

Another important thing to consider, or I guess just another step towards bettering ourselves: surround yourself with people who want the best for you, genuinely. You want friends who still want to be around you when you don't have a secret story to disclose, or that you don't have to bait with hints of details about any certain scandalous affair. Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference, but once the stories are filtered, it becomes much easier to see who loves you for you and who just wants to be in the know.

In order to lead a fascinating life, one brimming with art, music, intrigue, and romance, you must surround yourself with precisely those things.