As promised, I am answering questions you're asking. Gabe asked a super good one: "If what girls really need is a strong dependable man, why do some girls love chick flicks where the guy and the girl get in these big heated fights. Do they long for that??" Great question! So great, in fact, that I wanted to take my time in answering it. So here you go!
There are a few reasons girls love the big fight scenes in chick flicks. NOTE: none of those reasons is because she wants to be miserable, fight all of the time, or be with a guy who picks fights with her or is just plain bad news (and here's my two cents on THAT). These reasons are not listed in any particular order.
1. We love the drama. Movies/musicals/plays/dramas/etc excite the psyche. They are entertaining, and that is precisely why they call it the entertainment industry. It is a story, with a building tension, leading to a climactic fight. If the writers did their job right, the viewer has gotten to know the characters, and if out of curiosity than nothing else, we want to know what happens! And as much as they might hate to admit it, I'm willing to bet that at high percentage of guys at least are a little curious how movies like that end.
2. We can relate. Well, to some extent, depending on the person being entertained and the story that is being told. Often times great stories mirror situations that on some level are real, and the conflicts are situations real people experience or fear.
3. We see characters they love (and in romcoms, characters they love together) argue about something that threatens to tear them apart. In the movies (at least of this nature), the couple works it out and still lives happily ever after, even though there might be lingering issues, a little collateral damage, or repercussions of their irrational emotional actions/mistakes. They are things the couple will have to work on. Overall, they give us HOPE that we can work things out on our own lives, that some mountains are not too big, and that obstacles aren't always the end.
We want to be happy and we enjoy seeing others happy, even if on some deep/subconscious/shallow level, we are living vicariously through them. There is a danger there that these movies can romanticize conflict and can have a subtle influence over real-life experiences, but we must not lose our own sense of reality in real-life conflicts. Instead, we keep in mind common threads that make real life relationships/friendships work and last, and hopefully in the heat of those moments, we can understand the difference between love in the movies and love that is real, raw, and rewarding.
I wrote this article as a part of a Valentine's day essay contest 2 years ago. Apparently they liked it, given it was published in the online newsletter (the original post is here: http://thegorettigroup.blogspot.com/2011_02_01_archive.html).
Happy Valentine's day, to all the single ladies!!
Captured Little Heart Everyone loves a good fairy tale, although many believe that they are something to be left for children—a fantasy too far from real life. This is a real story about a princess, her capture, and the fight to win her heart by the perfect prince. This is my love story, and it is entirely true. I was born on the east coast and lived there with my parents, older sister, and younger brother for six years. My loving parents announced to me just after first grade that we were moving closer to my mom’s side of the family, to the Midwest. I, the outgoing, spunky middle child was excited to make new friends. We made the big move, and as far as I knew everything was wonderful.
A year after the switch Dad left to visit his side of the family. I found out soon after that he wasn’t planning on moving back. He still loved us and wanted to see us, but it just wasn’t working out for him to be out there, for reasons unbeknownst to little me. I don’t remember much about that time, but I do remember one thing: Dad made Mom cry. I made a decision that night with no idea how it would alter my life. I chose a life without Dad.
The three of us kids spent the school year with Mom and the summer with Dad, which worked out fine. For years I was civil to Dad, but I had always felt like he didn’t just leave Mom, but he left us too. I secretly wanted to let him in, but my stubborn pride had too strong of a hold on me, and it grew stronger as time went on. The wound was too deep for me to let go.
I am forever grateful to Mom for teaching us the Catechism and to love the Lord with all of our hearts, and the grace we were given through her is immeasurable. Although I knew Christ as the Son of God who died for my sins, I hadn’t yet known him as someone who could fill the hole I had in my heart. I tried to make up for it elsewhere. I thrived on attention, especially from boys. I loved flirting and learned to use my feminine wiles to get whatever I wanted. It seemed like I couldn’t keep good girl friends for long, but that didn’t bother me as long as I had some guy to remind me periodically that I was pretty or that someone was thinking of me. When I was 15 I got my first boyfriend and was swept up in a whirlwind romance. He was 2 ½ years older than me and leaving for basic training for the Army. We made up for our time apart with intimate visits and phone calls that only fed our infatuation for each other. The whole affair spun out of control and I ended it multiple times, but he was the most constant man in my life at that point—and I couldn’t let him go. We were on and off for years, and I filled his absences with late-night hookups. I fell into habits of grave sin, but I needed affection, and boys gave it to me. They made me feel beautiful, appreciated, and wanted.
My lows were balanced with spiritual highs from Catholic conferences and retreats, where I could see the error in my ways and promise God that I would change. However, my broken heart needed that physical person to whisper he loved me and give me kisses. I entered as a freshman into a wonderful Catholic college, surrounded by holy, attractive men who knew how to treat a woman right. It was there that I met a man I thought would be my future husband. He was everything I could have wanted. He respected me; I could see it in his actions. We were chaste, we went by the book, and we even prayed together on the phone! Betrayals and broken hearts in my past made me hesitant, but after much coaxing, I gave him my entire heart. I had a new home in him.
The emotional honeymoon didn’t last. Just over six months into our relationship, he flipped a switch and everything came to a bitter crashing end. I cried and screamed to God, begging for no more pain. I was blinded by my hurt and flung myself at the feet of the Eucharist in adoration. Slowly, the flow of my tears slowed and my breathing began to slow. I heard no voice, felt no touch, saw no apparition. But I calmly returned to my room and listened to music. A song began to play with a soft pace. He sang to me: “He is jealous for me.”
The words struck a chord in my heart. Someone is jealous for my love; he wants it for himself first. I kept listening.
“Loves like a hurricane; I am a tree bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.”
I pictured a tree, swaying back and forth by strong but gentle winds. The beat reminded me of a waltz.
“Oh, how he loves us.”
Jesus does love me, but it’s not the same as a man in front of me that I can touch, feel, or taste.
“And heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss and my heart turns violently inside of my chest.”
All of a sudden it all came together for me. Heaven met earth when God became man, and Christ meets me at my lips in the Eucharist. This was the dialogue of love that I had been longing for: the man to meet me at the altar with an incarnate kiss. Christ is my beloved, the rock upon whom I build my days and spend my evenings dreaming of. I was captured by pain and freed by the Prince of Peace who sacrificed his life for this princess.
Happy Valentine’s Day, from this little heart captured by Christ.
Ladies and gents, I want to apologize for my recent hiatus. I've been experiencing some big changes professionally and personally and I am just now getting back into a rhythm. Hopefully these insights can help you to forgive me :)
My brother has been a huge inspiration to my taste in music. He finds random songs I would like that seem to fit a variety of occasions, themes, moods, etc. He has a pretty good idea of my taste, and when he passes me a song I usually end up exploring similar songs and artists and give my music library a fresh feel. Recently he showed me this song, and in an effort to hear it again I just looked it up on Youtube. I found the video moving... and of course it got me thinking about my favorite theme throughout this blog: love and vulnerability.
The rest of this post will make a lot more sense if you listen to the chorus at the very least.
The song made me think of an article I read recently about marriage, found here (seriously, read it. I might repost it later for all of you lazy people who just don't want to click on another link or read a lot more words). The connection I saw was that love is about more than happily ever after. Love is real, love is honest, love is blunt, love is raw. At its deepest, it is two persons encountering each other in entirety, including scars & fresh wounds, emotions, fears, shortcomings, bad habits, and obstacles that seem like they'll never be overcome.
But what is love when it is not real? When it does not reach the core? It has no connection, no bond, it is not built on sacrifice for the sake of the other, it is driven by passion and emotion, it is photoshopped as it masks imperfections for the sake of pride, selfishness, and the fear of being alone.
NOTE: Yes, that does sound a little extreme, and yes, there are exceptions, as John Paul II, C.S. Lewis, Socrates, Kierkegaard, and many other philosophers and theologians have so beautifully articulated. The love that I am referring to in this post is most simply put as love in relationship. I am using the context of dating/marriage, but it also very much applies to deep friendships.
The point that I am trying to make here is not a new one:
"Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails." 1 Corinthians 13:7-8
Loving with this intensity does reap rewards. When people love selflessly, they "get back" love 10 fold... the satisfaction of giving. It's one of the wonderful things that help motivate us to service, both in our personal relationships and in our communities. And it has a contagious, pay-it-forward effect. As wonderfully put in the example from the blog I linked above (read it), when people feel genuinely appreciated, they are more apt to honestly appreciate and encourage you to be the best-version-of-yourself. It is beautiful, awe-inspiring, and almost majestically mysterious.
Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to sugarcoat anything. I want to challenge you, my dear friends, to love vulnerably, to let yourself get to a point where you can feel pain. In the above Scripture passage, St. Paul goes on to say:
"When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became a man, I gave up childish ways." 1 Corinthians 13:11
This love takes maturity. It means no games, no hanging up on someone just to draw out the drama, no gossip, no snapping back as a reaction, especially when you both know you're in the wrong. No beating around the bush, no pushing someone away for the sake of saving yourself the risk of heartache when they have every intention of showing you genuine appreciation. Give up childish ways. We can still dream of happily ever after, but iconic fairy tale stories end with a lavish wedding and riding off into the sunset.
Newsflash: your life together doesn't begin when you hit the horizon or come back home from the honeymoon. Your life with the ones you hold near and dear began the day you started being real with them, and them with you. Sure, there might be sunshine and lollipops and rainbows and gummy bears in your future, but don't miss one minute of loving someone wholly today because you don't know what tomorrow will be. Get dressed up for dates and don't be afraid of fake-it-til-you-make-it confidence if need me, but in order to live fully, we absolutely must let others see beneath the beautiful at least once in a while.
*This blog was intended for single women forging their way through their young adult years trying to figure out what the what is going on with their lives, and ladies, I am thinking of you as well as I write this, not just those in relationships. Walls keep us from love in all aspects of our lives, including loving God, our families, our friends, potential suitors, and ourselves. Don't hold back. You've got this. :)
Some of my dear friends from Franciscan University of Steubenville, my alma mater, put together this presentation on dating for the Homecoming 2012 talent show this past month. Just in case you needed a smile, this sure did the trick for me. Enjoy!
This post was beautifully written by gracefortheroad at http://gracefortheroad.com. It's super beautiful so I'm sharing it here for all the single ladies. Worth the read! :)
When I was 16, I got a purity ring.
And when I was 25, I took it off.
I didn’t tell anyone I was doing it — it wasn’t a statement or an emotional thing. I just slipped it off my finger that day and, before tucking it away in a box, ran my finger around the words on the familiar gold band.
“True Love Waits.” Waits.
What’s it “waiting” for, anyway?
*****
I had my reasons for deciding not to wear it anymore. Other people might have other reasons. It’s a graveyard of hearts, this place where single church girls crash into their late 20s and early 30s. Churches see the symptoms. They scramble to reach out to the ever-growing young adult singles crowd who feels alienated by family-oriented services.
But there’s something bigger behind it than that.
Much bigger.
There are a lot of girls out there who don’t know who God is anymore – the God of their youth group years just isn’t working out. Back then, that God said to wait for sex until they are married, until He brings the right man along for a husband. They signed a card and put it on the altar and pledged to wait.
And wait they did.
*****
And waited and waited and waited.
Some of them have prayed their whole lives for a husband, and he hasn’t shown up. They’ve heard the advice to “be the woman God made you to be, focus on that, and then the husband will come.” They’ve read “Lady in Waiting,” gotten super involved in church and honed their domestic skills.
And still they wait.
More than a decade ago, a youth leader handed them a photocopied poem in Sunday School written to them from “God” that said, “The reason you don’t have anyone yet is because you’re not fully satisfied in Me. You have to be satisfied with Me and then when you least expect it, I’ll bring you the person I meant for you.”
And the girls see it posted on their bulletin boards from time to time.
“You’re right, God,” they say. “We’re not satisfied in you yet. We will put you first and then you can bring us a husband in your timing.”
But many of them – if they’re honest – will tell you that time has passed, and it’s wrecking their view of God.
If this is who God’s supposed to be, then He’s tragically late.
So some decide to chuck “Lady in Waiting” out the window … and possibly their virginity with it. Church goes next. God might go next, too. If He doesn’t answer these prayers after they’ve held up their end of the bargain, why would He answer any others?
Whether it was the fault of the leaders, the fault of us girls, or both, a tragedy happened back then.
A lot of girls were sold on a deal and not on a Savior.
*****
I had that poem on my bulletin board all through high school – the one where “God” was telling me to fall in love with Him first and then I would be able to fall in love with a husband later.
Who wrote that poem anyway?
Pretty sure it wasn’t God.
When Jesus was here on the earth, the crowds would follow Him because they saw He gave good things. But that’s not what He wanted. He wanted their hearts for Himself. So He would turn to them and say things like, “If you don’t love Me so much that every other relationship in your life looks like hate by comparison, you can’t follow Me.” (Matthew 10:34-39, paraphrase)
That sounds a lot different from the poem.
Christ is the source of everything we need and the giver of all good gifts … but in telling people about Him, it’s possible we’ve sold them on a solution for life’s problems and not lifeitself.
What if we as girls had learned early on that having Him was everything, not a means to the life we think He would want us to have.
If we had learned we don’t abstain from sex because we’re “waiting.” We abstain because we love Him.
If I’d had on my bulletin board, “Fall in love with Jesus.” That’s it. Bottom line. That’s everything you need to know, to work toward, to put your hope in.
If I’d learned who He is, what He wants, how to give Him everything, not “wait” so that one day I could give my everything to someone else.
If I’d learned that it’s not bad to pray for a husband, but that my greater prayer should be for Him to spend my life as He chooses for His glory.
If we as believers make that our message, things could be drastically different for a lot of girls wondering why the God they think they learned to follow doesn’t compute. It doesn’t necessarily stop the desire for a husband or end all feelings of loneliness, but it does show a God who provides, loves and gives infinite purpose even to our singleness rather than a God who categorically denies some who pray for husbands while seemingly giving freely to others.
It shows that while marriage is good, He is the greater goal.
*****
Don’t think I’ve done this perfectly.
I’d be deceiving you if you thought that. I’ve had relationships where I made major mistakes. I’ve gone through angst-ridden phases where I met with friends to plead together with God to bring us husbands. I’ve planned major life decisions around possibilities.
I lived like I was waiting for something.
And that’s why I slipped off my ring that day. It wasn’t that I wanted to sleep with people – I haven’t. It wasn’t a slap to True Love Waits, or to anyone who wears a purity ring – saving sex for marriage is good and is His design.
I just didn’t want to wait anymore – didn’t want to live like I was waiting on anyone to get here.
I already have Him … and He is everything.
“Follow Christ for His ownsake, if you follow Him at all.” – J.C. Ryle
I wrote this for work to post on the company website (www.missionariesofpurity.com if you want to have a looksie) and I wanted to share it with you. :) I've also included a picture of 16-year old me, just for fun.
Dear 15-year-old me,
I’ve been taking some time to look
back on my own life after encountering some young girls who deserved so much
more than what they were settling for. It broke my heart to witness, and all I
could think was if only I had known then
what I know now. I know that it’s a little late for me, but in putting this
into words it might not be too late for someone else. Here are some things I
wish I knew:
“Follow your heart” is probably
the worst advice ever. Use your head. All of your actions should come from the
two working together.
Do things for yourself. Don’t live
as if the man of your dreams is watching, or if your parents are standing right
behind you, but do what is best for
you. You know what these things are: things that make you the best version of
yourself. Get sunshine, exercise, count your blessings often, take time to
pray, and do something that you enjoy just because you enjoy it.
Surround yourself with people who
genuinely want what is best for you, people that want to see you thrive. Your
friends are the people who will want to help you follow your dreams, support
you when times get tough, and do what they can to help you be happy, healthy,
and holy… long-term, not just for the night.
Act out of charity. It’s one of
those fake it ‘til you make it things when you are having a rough day, but you
will make it. Be genuine. Smile. Speak kindly about your friends AND your
enemies, and everyone in between. You will cheer everyone else around you up,
and the feeling overflows to you… Joy comes from the heart and shows in the way
that we treat others.
You are beautiful! You will hear
so many other things in your life: you have to be skinnier, your hair has to be
longer, your chest is too small, and so on and so forth… but you have been
formed out of love, with a purpose and people who loved you even while you were
in your mother’s womb! People who feed you those lies are only trying to feed
emptiness in themselves, but dear, you are not empty! You have passions,
loves, interests, personality, talents, and gifts. You are inspiring! Strive
every moment to be the best version of yourself, regardless of others’
put-downs. When in doubt, remember that happy girls are the prettiest. Be
someone worth admiring… but above all, remember that you are beautiful and you
are loved!
Single Life column by Catholic singer-songwriter Jackie Francois: From our July 29 issue by JACKIE FRANCOIS 07/28/2012
– Jackie Francois Facebook
I really enjoy being single — until someone tells me they want me to date their kin in order for me to bring them back to the Church.
Sometimes I want to respond with, “Hey lady, I don’t flirt to convert!”
It seems, though, that God has granted me the gift of slow wit in the most inopportune times.
When people find out I’m single, they either 1) try to set me up (either with another supposedly pitiful single person or with a convent), 2) tell me how lucky I am to be avoiding marriage or 3) assume I have an incurable disease.
I don’t mind the setter-uppers; they mean well and often want me to enjoy the same bliss they have experienced in their vocation. The jaded marriage-avoiders are another bunch, though. Many times they pressure me to live the pleasures of intimacy without the levels of commitment. They especially flip out when I tell them that I’m a 28-year-old virgin striving to live a life of chastity, because, as they tell me, I “have missed out on life.” The “incurable diseasers” who condescendingly ask, “Why aren’t you married, yet?!” figure that if I’m still single in my late 20s, there must be something wrong with me.
Regardless of these assumptions and reactions, I have never felt more joy or peace in my life than I feel now in the midst of my young-adult single life.
Truthfully, it has taken me years of faith, humility and dating to get to a place where I know that God alone satisfies the yearnings of my heart to love and be loved. God alone is the one for whom my heart longs.
Even though I would like to get married someday, God is the one who I want more than anything. If God called me to give up a husband or family for the sake of the Kingdom, I would.
When there are days that I begin to idolize marriage as the ultimate fulfillment of this life, I remind myself of my God-directed priorities.
If I died tomorrow, would I be happy? Of course! I would be so excited to be with the One whom my heart loves (especially after an excruciatingly purifying time in purgatory, I’m sure).
Obviously, I am not perfect and am still learning how to navigate my way through single life, figuring out how to date properly, wanting the best for others (even if it means being rejected), and practicing what I preach — all the while trying to draw closer to the heart of God in the busyness of everyday life.
My hope for single people who are discerning is that they seek holiness before seeking a spouse, knowing that Jesus the Bridegroom gives a peace and joy that no person on this earth could ever give.
I hope that they practice enjoying the present, since every state of life brings with it trials and sacrifices that train us in virtue and prepare us for heaven.
Lastly, I hope they become witnesses to a twisted culture that scoffs at virtues like purity, chastity, modesty and self-control (see Philippians 2:13-14). Our world surely needs that bold witness.
Jackie Francois is a Catholic singer and songwriter. Find her music online at JackieFrancois.com.
I’m not too busy for a boyfriend. I’m not focusing on my studies. I’m not focusing on my career. I’m not trying to discover who I am. Mom. . . Dad. . . You know how you ask if there are any guys at college and I say, “No, not a one.”? That’s a blatant lie. There are lots of guys. Lots of great looking, intelligent, witty men who would donate one of their kidneys to an Ethiopian orphan and nurse a sick, baby bird to health.
So, why am I single? Because I am discerning what God wants for my life.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve fought Him on this issue. I’ve prayed that God find me a man and deliver him in time for the release of *Insert Movie Title Here*, so I’d have a date. I’ve prayed that He would send him to me before grad school, because that seemed like a swell time to tie the knot. I’ve even avoided praying and rationalized my way through giving my number to a 32-year-old, gas station attendant with a knack for being clingy whom I knew absolutely nothing about (let me just say, that did not go well). To say I’ve wanted to be single for the last few years would be quite the work of fiction.
Despite the moments I’d wished God had given me the go ahead on some guys who’d asked me out, I can genuinely say I’m glad, even thankful, He kept me stag. Why? Because I’m a dependent coward. In the past I wasn’t looking for someone to share life with. I was looking for someone to leech onto and live life through. By staying single, I had to leech onto and live through God. Without a set of broad shoulders to lean on, I learned to find strength and purpose in Christ.
This little epiphany hadn’t dawned on me until one night when I was. . . well, sort of panicking about my future. I’m graduating soon, and I wasn’t 100% sure what I wanted to do or where I wanted to go. It’s not that I didn’t have options, I did. But simply having options doesn’t calm nerves. The fact I could choose the wrong one and have a stagnant, unenjoyable life was where the panic comes into play.
So, what did I do when I couldn’t prevent my mind from wandering into the potentially dismal abyss known as my future? I genuinely, earnestly, sincerely, redundantly wished with all my might that I had a husband, so I could just go with him wherever he ventured and take care of his home. As soon as I had fully realized what my proposed solution was to my uncertainty, I felt sick.
I had completely abandoned turning to God for comfort. I’d stopped discerning God’s direction and purpose for me and started yearning for some faceless male being to drag me along, so I wouldn’t be alone.
I turned to marriage not as a means to grow closer to God and glorify Him with someone but to replace Him.
This is not my announcement that God has called me to be single ’til death. This is me saying singleness is not a death sentence.
It’s amazing what I’ve learned these past few years, and I know I wouldn’t have been able to grow like I have in my relationship with Christ while attaching myself to someone. I simply couldn’t have handled it.
I just want to make sure you never think I’m single because I’m independent and strong. I want you to know that I’m single, because I’m dependent and weak but depending on Christ.
I mean forget dating, what about just finding Mr. Right? Pretty challenging huh? A woman wrote to Made in His Image, I live in an area where the majority of the population is incredibly spiritually ill, and its like if I am supposed to ever find someone to spend the rest of my life with I have to succumb to that as well.
I know a gentleman who was attracted to a Catholic woman’s beauty. He desperately wanted to date her, but every time he asked her out, she said no. After several rejections, he smartly figured out that he would have to change his lifestyle if he was to win her heart. He started going to Mass, praying, and living morally. He continued to develop his relationship with God, then asked her out again. She said yes, and today they are married.
A woman by her very nature is a mystery. And when she conducts herself in accordance with the way in which God created her, she reflects this beauty and appeal in a unique way. When a woman is authentic, she calls a man to a higher standardby her very nature. Men are naturally attracted to her authentic beauty and integrity.
Don’t ever conform to immorality to attract a man. You are worth more than that. In fact, your worth is beyond human comprehension. God created the universe, surely he didn’t forget about your future. Every woman yearns for a man who is going to protect and cherish her. My question for you is: are you conducting yourself in such a way to attract a virtuous man? Embrace the beauty of your femininity, and you will inspire a man to step up.
So, instead of finding him, let him find you. Men have an inherent desire to pursue a woman, let them do that.
“When a man loves a woman, he has to become worthy of her. The higher her virtue, the more noble her character, the more devoted she is to truth, justice, goodness, the more a man has to aspire to be worthy of her. The history of civilization could actually be written in terms of the level of its women.” - Archbishop Fulton Sheen
This article was generously brought to my attention by a super awesome reader, and after reading it myself I would be remiss if I did not pass it along. :)
“Know your own happiness. Want for nothing but patience. Or give it a more fascinating name: Call it hope.”
― Jane Austen, Sense and Sensibility
I was just reminded of this quote recently, and I think its theme is key to faith as much as it is to dating.
You need to be happy with yourself and your life before you can be happy sharing your life with someone else. That’s what Jane Austen illustrates in her novels. The heroines discern the heroes’ characters so they know their marriages are based on love and virtue. That’s the point of a new interview (at National Review Online) with Elizabeth Kantor, the author of The Jane Austen Guide to Happily Ever After.
And being hope-filled is necessary in today’s dating landscape. We’ve all been there, myself included: Hearing about yet another wedding or going to another wedding can cause us to wonder when our time will come.
But we can’t lose hope in ourselves or in God.
I recently interviewed Emily Stimpson, the author of The Catholic Girl’s Survival Guide for the Single Years. Her advice is so practical and full of good reminders for us singles.
I especially like this point about how we need to represent good Catholic living “by being joyful, hopeful, uncompromising witnesses to the truth of the Church’s teachings about femininity, sexuality, vocation and holiness” in the midst of a culture that opposes those values.
Why? Because our hope is true and points to the One who loves us as we are, single and waiting. Austen’s heroines did that — and they found their Mr. Darcy, Mr. Knightley, Capt. Wentworth, etc., as a result.
As Emily adds, “For anyone, married or single, those teachings are the only path to peace, wholeness and joy. But if no one in the culture sees people walking that path, it’s going to be awfully hard for them to believe that or walk it themselves.”
That’s also the message of Catholic singer-songwriter Jackie Francois: “My hope for single people who are discerning is that they seek holiness before seeking a spouse, knowing that Jesus the Bridegroom gives a peace and joy that no person on this earth could ever give.”
What you have to offer another person is YOU -- the best and worst versions. If you are simultaneously waiting to form that around another person, you are planting a garden of disappointment and delusion for you and your future spouse. The best way to find the right person is for you to be following a purpose, a plan, a track you have set for your life; one that is challenging and exciting and fulfills you in the deepest sense. Then one day, you will look around and see that there is a fellow following his own track, and it is running parallel to yours. Take a good look at him: he's probably a keeper.
One woman's experience with the dreaded bouquet toss, the awkward comments and the empty chair next to you.
Usually when someone asks you about your most embarrassing moment, you conveniently cannot remember. But I remember quite clearly.
As most embarrassing moments happen, this one occurred in public, with some of my closest friends as witnesses. My college roommate Elizabeth, her husband Dave, and his college roommate who I call “Dr. Dave” to keep them apart and also because he really is a doctor.
Approaching Dr. Dave’s recent wedding, I had to tell the whole story all over again. Sitting with Elizabeth and Dave at the rehearsal dinner, someone asked if we thought the bride was going to have a bouquet toss. I said, “Well, I hope not.” Another woman inquired why that was—a 6-foot-tall, 9-months-pregnant woman who is married to a 5-foot-tall gymnast who competed in the 2008 Olympics, to be exact. Those details have nothing to do with the story, but it would make for an interesting family portrait.
I want to pause and clarify that I don’t hate bouquet tosses because I’m bitter about being single. I really love the life I’m living. It’s filled to the brim with amazing experiences and people. I can change a tire, jumpstart a car, take out my own trash, and I’ve got this grippy thing that helps me open jars ... so, I’m good. I’ve got covered all the main reasons people get married—at least for now. But as long as we’re on the topic, I do find it a bit odd that we pause wedding celebrations to throw things at single people. It feels a little mean.
No matter how healthy your self-esteem is, I think there are always about two minutes of Bridget Jones-style panic where you think, “Is this it? Does the entire single female population of this banquet hall really consist of me and three 4th graders?” That’s when you start searching the crowd for friends you can take down with you. The object is to pack the floor so that your odds of catching the bouquet are as slim as possible, because catching the bouquet means a night of, “So, when’s the big day?” “Are you seeing anyone?” “Got anyone in mind?” And, really, I don’t need those questions. I’ve got enough to worry about trying to keep up my strapless bridesmaid’s dress.
Not wanting to go into all of that, I simply told the Olympian’s wife that I didn’t have a good track record. Dave smiled and nodded his head while his wife, Elizabeth, covered her reddened face and said, “Oh, I’m still so sorry about that, Lainsie!”
At her wedding, Elizabeth didn’t want to be the bride whose bouquet went straight up and then fell straight down behind her. So she decided to forsake the gentle over-the-head lob most brides do and went for an approach I think is used by Scottish men in The Highland Games when throwing telephone poles. They use their entire body to heft these objects straight back with as much force and power as they can muster. This approach worked well for Elizabeth.
As everyone watched, it came at me straight as an arrow. Stems first. Cut at an angle. Roses. Thorns still attached. Wrapped in prickly evergreen branches. On the upside, at least the florist managed to talk her out of adding safety pins to the arrangement.
And then, in the moment everyone was waiting for, I caught the bouquet! With my eye.
Now, Elizabeth is half woman and half Care Bear, and I had no desire to make her feel bad on her wedding day. So, I took one for the team and instantly covered my eye to hide my injury and willed myself to laugh instead of cry as I felt my face beginning to swell and the abrasions begin to bleed. Laughing when you’re in severe pain makes you sound slightly sadistic, and, I probably over-compensated when I exclaimed to the silent and stunned room, while wiping blood from my face, “So much fun!! Let’s do it again!”
I spent the rest of the night following Dr. Dave’s advice to ice my bruised eye while dealing with people’s comments, the popular of which was, “Well, at least you’re getting married!” I never knew how to respond to this. Catching a bunch of flowers does not mean that I’m about to meet my future husband ... it is far more likely to mean I’ll meet my future optometrist.
Dr. Dave, having taken the Hippocratic Oath, opted to not put me through another bouquet toss at his own wedding, for which I’m very grateful. Instead, my college friends and I spent the entire reception dancing like complete fools. There was break dancing, and headstands and I got into a dance battle doing the twist with an elderly Polish woman (I let her win). The evening was a display of crazy, beautiful community in the truest sense of the word.
It reminded me of something I frequently say, which is that I am a pack dog. I love being near others and being on a team as we care and watch out for each other. I come from a big family and always want to have a big family around me wherever I go. As a teen, I remember being encouraged to pray for my future husband, but now there’s a different prayer that lives in my heart. Aside from praying for mercy from floral attacks, I pray for my pack. The people who have run with me, the people that are running with me right now and the people that God will bring alongside me in the future to run together. I may be the single one at the table, but I know that I will never dance alone.
