For the Gals: 8 Principles for Dating

*This is not my writing, I just found it and wanted to share here.

I recently came across a 20-year-old photo of Phil and me when we were dating. I started thinking about how very little I knew about relationships, men, and marriage then.

Formulating a list of what I would tell myself back then, my advice began with a stern warning to stay away from any man with a mullet . . . but then again, it was the ’90s—every man had a mullet!

On a more serious note, these are eight principles that would have taken much confusion and heartbreak out of those tumultuous dating years. I hope they help you:

1. REPEAT AFTER ME: “YOU ARE LOVED.” 

I am not kidding. Repeat. After. Me. Out loud, often, with conviction. These are such simple words to say, but they have the most deep and resounding impact on our souls if we would just believe.

God says to his daughters in Jeremiah: "I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you." Until you have tasted God’s eternal, steadfast, redeeming love, hold off on looking for a man. You may just end up settling for a quick love that cannot fill your core heart’s longing. Even if you are not currently being pursued by a man, you are constantly being pursued by Jesus.

2. YOU ARE LESS BEAUTIFUL THAN YOU THINK AND MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN YOU BELIEVE.

Our sin makes us ugly. No amount of makeup, clothing, or confident, flirtatious façade can change that fact. It takes a humble, redeemed woman changed by God to admit the ugliness of her sin and rest in her beauty in Christ. We must repent of our pride, our shame, our obsession with our looks. We must believe and embrace who God made us to be: beautiful in his image.

True beauty emanates from a woman who boldly and unabashedly knows who she is in Christ.

3. CONSIDER WHAT CONTROLS YOU.

Is it fear, loneliness, demand for a man, seeking approval, career, money?

Let the love of Christ control you. Pay attention to what is controlling your heart as you wait for a date, are in a dating relationship, or even into marriage. We settle for lesser gods than the one who died for us and love us unconditionally.

“For the love of Christ controls us, because we have concluded this: that one has died for all, therefore all have died; and he died for all, that those who might live no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised.” 2 Corinthians 5:14–15

4. ADDRESS YOUR DADDY ISSUES.

Most of us have them—wounds on our hearts from our earthly fathers and their shortcomings. Whether yours was absent and uninvolved or abusive and abandoning, don’t let him define who you believe your heavenly Father to be. Even if you have a godly and protective father, he is not God.

You are not looking for a dad-duplicate or a dad-replacement in a man. You have a perfect heavenly Father.

Let Scripture reveal to you who God is as Dad and what kind of care he gives his daughters.

"If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!" Luke 11:13

5. CHARM AND BEAUTY ARE NOT A GOOD DATING PLAN.

"Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." Proverbs 31:30

Often, our grand scheme for how to snag a date goes only skin-deep. We put massive pressure on ourselves to pour on the charm and look cute wherever we go, not realizing that a godly man will also be concerned about inner beauty. God certainly is.

"But let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious." 1 Peter 3:4

A woman who fears the Lord is one who, despite her desire for a date, fears being far away from God more than she does missing out on a man who is easily fooled by her exterior.

6. REALIZE YOU ARE ALREADY SUBMITTING—OR ARE YOU?

Submission is not only for wives. God asks for a submitted heart now, one that trusts in his provision and plan for your life, including dating. Ultimately, dating, and all of life, is about submission—waiting and trusting God and saying as Jesus does, “Not my will but yours be done.”

This does not, however, leave you helpless, hopeless, and hamstrung in the relationship department. A godly woman can express friendly interest in a brother in Christ. 

• It is OK to mingle—but don’t manipulate.
• Peruse—but don’t pursue. Let him initiate.
• Take notice of the godly men serving Jesus around you—but never stalk. It’s creepy.
• Cross paths with a man who interests you—but don’t tackle him.

7. DRESS TO KILL . . .

. . . your evil desires and his. We all know what it’s like to be noticed for what we wear. Your desire to draw attention to yourself is vanity. Do not falsely advertise what is not available to anyone but your future husband. Don’t open the door for men to make assumptions about you by what you wear. Help your brothers in Christ by dressing modestly and appropriately (and by all means, neatly, cleanly, and fashionably!) Check your heart for your motives when you dress.

8. GUARD YOUR HEART.

Guarding one’s heart is still an issue even if no one is overtly vying for it.  Watch out for the “might be” snare, as in, "He 'might be' flirting with me and so I’m going to get carried away thinking about every possible place [read: marriage] that could lead."

It is entirely possible to honor God, yourself, and a brother in Christ on a date. Don’t elevate him or the relationship to the place that God alone should hold in your heart. Enjoy, don’t idolize . . . and for goodness sake, relax! A cup of coffee does not necessarily mean a diamond ring is soon to follow.

As a single woman, give your heart fully, wholly, unabashedly, and devotedly to Christ alone.

Be active, vigilant, and careful about how much of your heart you give to a man. Be able to walk away from a dating relationship with your whole heart intact so that your future husband is not robbed of part of it down the road. Prayerfully consider what, when, how much to give away.

"Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." Proverbs 4:23 (NIV)

A Different Mirror

How we see ourselves is usually different than how other people see us. That's one of the reasons why constructive criticism is so important, and why marriage is an incredible path to heaven: other people can affirm our strength and goodness when we need it, and also offer an outside perspective to what we could see in ourselves.

But where is the line?

I've probably mentioned before a thing or two about caring what people think about you. It's good to take into account, but keep in mind who is providing the feedback. Is it constructive or destructive? It is out of love for you and a genuine appreciation for your goodness? Or does it steam from a jealousy or woundedness in someone else? And then there's criticism of yourself.

"You, therefore, must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect." Matthew 5:48

We are told to strive to be perfect as the heavenly Father is perfect because God, our loving and merciful Father in heaven with unquenchable love wants us to spend the rest of our earthy lives nitpicking at ourselves so we can someday hope to reach a level of perfection that we will never actually attain. FALSE. Let's consider humility. I've heard it described and defined different ways, but in my humble opinion, the simplest way to describe humility is seeing yourself exactly how the Lord sees you. You are beautiful, loved, and capable of great things. You are wounded, weak, flawed, and you try to handle way more by yourself than you should. Sometimes you let pride or fear get the best of you, but you know you can do better, and you know you can... but not by yourself.

One of the biggest (most arguably) and most detrimental ways that women (especially single women or women in crappy relationships) pick at themselves is their physical appearance. We question our attractiveness in our bodies and all of a sudden we question our worth. Simple affirmations go a long way and I have had enough crappy days to know that everyone could use one now and again. We receive by giving, and although we shouldn't give for the sake of receiving, we can, nay, we HAVE TO, and give of ourselves to be whole (just ask Jesus).

I realize that this is a little deep after my big break from screens and it is very late as I am writing this post, so I'll keep it short and wrap it up with yet another video. But if you want more, one of my most dearest friends in the world, Miss Jackie Heider (what up!), saw the same video (above) and wrote this ...she is an actual writer who writes for magazines and stuff. And she's good too. REAL good. Read it, you won't regret it.

Love, love, love.

"So faith, hope, love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love." 1 Corinthians 13:13

Back for more?!

Ladies and gentlemen, I am back again!

My computer was the most of critical conditions (goodbye, hard drive!) until the most wonderful of all IT guys worked some freaky geeky micro magic (it was insane) and we are up and running!!

Don't get your hopes up too TOO high though (yes you can, just not because of what you think) because there are some serious changes coming this way... but not until after I share with you the articles/ideas/videos/borrowed blog articles that I have been storing up during my time away from the screen.

I have learned surprisingly, a lot about myself during my lack-of-computer-possessing time. It had not occurred to me until day 3 or 4 that I was bored out of my mind without Facebook, Twitter, blogs, Gmail, Youtube, Pandora, Etsy, and let's not forget Pintrest. I did not update my iPod, watch TV shows while I did the dishes, look up people I used to judge in high school, watch TV shows to kill time... I even had to make up my own outfits when I got dressed in the morning without consulting my dream closet full of ideas. Instead, I was forced to call people I hadn't spend time with or talk to in ages, actually pick up books and read them (they were made out of paper and everything!), go outside to see if something was at the store, and try things on my own instead of looking at what everyone else is up to (I'm coming for you, lefty guitar).

And it actually wasn't that terrible.

I spent more time with my family and people I love, I found places in some towns dear to my heart that I hadn't yet explored, I spent more time in prayer, and with the coming summer months I even managed to motivate myself to get off my ass once in a while and get my blood pumping (workouts totally suck, but they're worth it).

I came back to everything and I just caught myself mindlessly skimming. No, it wasn't even skimming, it was just scrolling. It was blindly scrolling. I wasn't even looking at the news feed or the twitter feed or the pins anymore, but I was spacing out and my mind kept wandering off to this land where my eyes didn't hurt (you know... from the screen).

Lesson to be learned? Unplugging is good! I wouldn't by any means in our day and age advise most people to get rid of their facebook or twitter or email or youtube or whatever, especially because it is becoming a central part of our culture to communicate and share information and bond long distance, and that is totally fine! I just don't want anyone to end up like this poor girl:

Unplug! There's more than the internet, more than texting, more than Skype and FaceTime (although it would be much harder with out you), etc. etc. You are right here, right now! Do not lose sight of that! I don't mean #YOLO as a license to be stupid, but don't be the person browsing Facebook out of boredom... be the person having too much fun with the people you're with (or whatever you're doing) to stop and take pictures for Instagram, or at least be the person so at peace with a sunset or a delicious bite of a damn good burrito that you know a picture or post won't capture the awesomeness in that. I hope you come back and check my blog soon... but you'd better do something great between now and then!

Talk to you soon! :D

The Industrial Age

"What are your plans for after college?"

"What are you doing with your degree?"

"What line of work are you in?"

"Do you have a job lined up?"

"Oh, that's nice. How are you liking that job?"

"Yeah, I know, this economy right?"

"Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"

"What are you doing with your life?"

"Well, you seem like you've got it all figured out."

Guess what guys... you don't have to have it all figured out. Not when you're 15, not when you're 25, not even when you're 45 or 75. Point is, you're here.

We live in somewhat of an industrial age. We wake up, we go to work, we bring home bacon, we win bread, we veg on the furniture, and we count down to the weekend. We put our money in savings so we can spend it on a mid life crisis when we wonder "Where has the time gone?" I am by no means insulting the family of five, one or two dogs and a white picket fence kind of culture, not at all. I love it. But do you want it?

I just watched the most charming movie about a 30 something woman struggling to get it all figured out. She's job hunting to no end, painfully smiling while her well-meaning family members shove what they want for her down her throat, but having no "better" alternative, she goes along with it, having little ammunition for protest. The film revolved around the theme of feeling powerless while everyone around seems to work like a cog in a well-oiled machine. I'm a sucker for great cinematography, so naturally I loved that there weren't really any bright colors in the whole movie. There is a looming dark cloud, a feeling of loneliness, complacency, boredom, and dullness. The leading lady stares longingly out a window, wishing she knew what the flip she was supposed to be doing with her life.

I get that. I understand that feeling. Having job hunted for months at a time and seeming to come up empty, having your plans you thought would stick for the next few years (at least!) fall apart in front of you, bouncing from temp job to temp job, moving back in with the 'rents until you can get your act together and answer the question "what's next?" is a more common feeling than people let on.

Don't believe Facebook photos: most of those people probably don't have it together either. It's the ultimate censorship: you can make yourself look however you want, as put together as you want, and show off how much of a life you're having. For those of you who are happy where you are...rock on. This post is not for you. Enjoy Europe.

My dearest readers, your value is not measured by your level of productivity. You are more than your paycheck, what kind of car you drive, what model of phone you have, or the brand of your clothes. It is easy to get discouraged when we feel like we are pressured from all sides to get that promotion, work our way up to the top, marry once you've given everything a "test drive" just to be sure (gross), and by no means settle for "just" a blue collar job. Seriously, you can do whatever you want (within reason, of course. I hate it when people say that and they brainwash people and tell you you really CAN become anything....false. Someone I know wanted to be a computer when he grew up....he is not a computer. But he still likes them a lot).

If you want to try something you've always wanted to try and then crash and burn, I'd say good for you! You went out and did it and now you know it's not your thing. No idea where to start? What do you do for fun? What's something you've loved since you were a kid? Try it again! At the very least (if you're stuck in the job/field you're in for whatever reason), pick it up as a hobby. Eventually, you'll hit the nail on the head... or at least get somewhere by process of elimination. I'm one of those people though that doesn't WANT to bounce around every couple of years (give or take) constantly guessing where I'm going to be, not feeling like I can rest my head and get restful sleep at night. And that's fine! Just set a plan right now. 

Right now, I am working an office job with people I thoroughly enjoy, paying my bills, and learning important skills that are going to prepare and equip me for... well, who knows what? I don't need to know. This is my plan right now. I'm going to stick to the plan until something sweeps me off my feet; one of those things that is undeniably what you are supposed to do. I don't need  to know what the next 5, 10, or 15 years looks like and frankly, I couldn't care less about my high school reunion. I want to be happy. I want to be fulfilled. I want to savor every minute of even the mundane. I am blessed to be kept alive, to be held so gently in the Lord's powerful hand, and I at least owe Him to appreciate what I've got. I want to live fully. I want to be free from the countdown to the weekend, free from pressure to "make something of myself," and free to be me.

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you shall eat or what you shall drink, nor about your body, what you shall put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add one cubit to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they neither toil nor spin; yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O men of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek all these things; and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things shall be yours as well."                               Matthew 6:25-33

You're comparing us to THEM?! (Love like the movies)

As promised, I am answering questions you're asking. Gabe asked a super good one: "If what girls really need is a strong dependable man, why do some girls love chick flicks where the guy and the girl get in these big heated fights. Do they long for that??" Great question! So great, in fact, that I wanted to take my time in answering it. So here you go!

There are a few reasons girls love the big fight scenes in chick flicks. NOTE: none of those reasons is because she wants to be miserable, fight all of the time, or be with a guy who picks fights with her or is just plain bad news (and here's my two cents on THAT). These reasons are not listed in any particular order.

1. We love the drama. Movies/musicals/plays/dramas/etc excite the psyche. They are entertaining, and that is precisely why they call it the entertainment industry. It is a story, with a building tension, leading to a climactic fight. If the writers did their job right, the viewer has gotten to know the characters, and if out of curiosity than nothing else, we want to know what happens! And as much as they might hate to admit it, I'm willing to bet that at high percentage of guys at least are a little curious how movies like that end.

2. We can relate. Well, to some extent, depending on the person being entertained and the story that is being told. Often times great stories mirror situations that on some level are real, and the conflicts are situations real people experience or fear.

3. We see characters they love (and in romcoms, characters they love together) argue about something that threatens to tear them apart. In the movies (at least of this nature), the couple works it out and still lives happily ever after, even though there might be lingering issues, a little collateral damage, or repercussions of their irrational emotional actions/mistakes. They are things the couple will have to work on. Overall, they give us HOPE that we can work things out on our own lives, that some mountains are not too big, and that obstacles aren't always the end.

We want to be happy and we enjoy seeing others happy, even if on some deep/subconscious/shallow level, we are living vicariously through them. There is a danger there that these movies can romanticize conflict and can have a subtle influence over real-life experiences, but we must not lose our own sense of reality in real-life conflicts. Instead, we keep in mind common threads that make real life relationships/friendships work and last, and hopefully in the heat of those moments, we can understand the difference between love in the movies and love that is real, raw, and rewarding.